Disclaimer: I have to say I’m writing from the perspective of a straight female living in the western world and a lot of these tips and opinions may be a little limited for hom*osexuals to get a kick out of, but I’m gonna try my best to be worldly about this one. You may have been a feminist for a long time, or have just discovered that you are one. Either way, we’re all looking for love and we need to look in the right places. Among each other, Feminists may have different views and opinions about things but they all have one thing in common; they are people with strong morals that they do not want to compromise. Before you scour the world for a partner that proclaims themself as a feminist, you should keep one thing in mind: just because someone doesn’t identify as a feminist, itdoesn’tmean theyaren’tone. They could beacloset savant, afraid of what the world might think, or they might just not know they are one. You’d be surprised. But if they don’t go around actively distinguishing themselves as a feminist, it certainlydoesn’tmeanthat theyaren’tworth dating. You’ve just gotta do a littlehomework, just like you have to do with anyone you’re deciding on dating. It works to our benefit to be adaptable on this. This is coming from someone who’s life is largely defined by feminism. If we all sat around and waited for our own, real-lifeFeminist Ryan Goslingto appear, (*Sigh!*) we’d never meet anyone and, more importantly, we’d be closing ourselves off to a world of chance with people who are really worth the inquest. Wearen’tresponsible for providing anyone we date with theenlightenment of feminism and all the arousal to learn all the intensetidbitswe can teach them, but we can at least give them a chance toexpress and explain their sociological perspective on the matter. So long as they are a feminist on some elemental level and all depending whatever you maydeemthat to be, they may be worth giving a chance. That’s what you’ve really got to be looking out for; a person who has the bravery to understand the way we nurture humanity… that’s feminism on sandbox level. That, I think is pretty much the basis of what you’re really looking for. That’s right, I’m talking to you. Don’t be militant about this. DATES So I’ve been doing a little homework and I’ve found out that in the western world, it’s pretty usual in a straight-date for the man to expect the woman to pay for dinner, butthis sociological study (Click)shows that most of them are afraid to ask her to pay. But this; That really tells you something. They areafraidto split things equally,but why?I’ve let boyfriends pay for me on dates. I’m not saying it’s gotta be like the Judgement of Solomon every time you go on a date. There have been times where I didn’t have enough cash on me, or whatever, but I have never once allowed him to pay just so he can display his chivalry to me. It’s usually just because I am actually broke. Chivalry should be dead. Above is a very strong reason why. There is no coherent reason as to why this should be seen as logical in this day and age. I don’t even have to go into this. But I will. Women work now, we pay our own bills, we don’t need anyBeyoncé songs that brag about the fact that we are financially independent. Its a part of our reality and something we shouldn’t be seeing as out of the ordinary. We even vote and all. (Thanks, suffragettes!) There is no reason as to why a man should feel guilty about making a woman pay her equal half of the deal. This is the sh*t the suffragettes wanted to rid the world of, and it’s still here. Enter: feminism. (Though Beyoncé, you could try and make a song about theUK PAY GAP!) THE FIRST MOVE(Straight-date warning) I don’t know if many straight girls are reading this one but I’m thinking you can probably divulge yourselves a little. Think these stupid moral values we’re forced to have to abide to sometimes, thanks to the patriarchal society we live in. You know what? Let’s just make a scenario. I like fierceness and I’m quite poetic by nature so bear with me. Ok, you be me. Based on a true story. Anyway, no straight girl can tell me she hasn’t been in that situation before. No matter how brave we are, and if we go for it, we go-getter girls are all, at one point, fearing the following: Whenever I find that I’ve waited a while before getting back to a guy, it’s usually because I’m actually not that into him, and he’s just fallen off my radar. I try to let them know that I’m not interested, and do so as civil as possible. The “thrill of the chase” is so deeply deep-seated into our traditions that we sometimes don’t even realize that we’re following the archaic rules of our gender-boxed society. But not me! Not me. Let me tell you something though. Before telling a guy I’m really into him, it really feels like I’m about to jump into a pool of sharks. I do it anyway, naturally. But I have immense galeophobia. I have to dive in head first. That, unfortunately is a threat to most men and many don’t know how to react. I don’t think many are approached, especially the full-hand-in approach girls like me use. Unfortunately, we have these things ingrained in us from day one. Patriarchy. Man makes the first move;cute and brave. Girl makes the first move;f*cking psycho and desperate. Don’t shake your head at this. You know that’s the way things work. Lucky for me, I still go for it. But it doesn’t mean all women are ready to face the risk of being labelled like that, so they suffer in silence and hope Mr Right comes up to take ownership over the situation, like they’re a ditsy leading lady in a romantic comedy (See Bridget Jones’s Diary). People have bought into the romantic fairy-tale story that deviating us from reality. Dem puss*es want to grab themselves some dick too. I know a lot of guys get off on being pursued. We could all win, but that’s just not the way things work. We’ve got a lot of battling ahead of us yet. Full steam ahead, I say! My advice:Go for it. Hold your breath and forget about the way those monotonous tools like Hugh Grant and Colin Firth react in romantic comedies when ladies yearn for them. That is not real life. Say something. If you’re a man or a woman, say something. Message them on Facebook. At least try to come off with a joke and hope they get the hint, to begin with. Take initiative. SEX I think it’s safe to say that a lot of women are reluctant to go home with their date on the first meeting. Personally, I don’t because I don’t know the guy and he could turn out to be abusive. I’m also uncomfortable with being touchy with a virtual stranger. You don’t really know what you’re playing with when you first meet someone and the risk of rape is unfortunately higher when you’re the girl. I think men are taught to jump in head-first when it comes to sex though, without thinking about the consequences (she could be a psycho murderer, you’re going home with her).Though the main reason why women (of any orientation) are hesitant to have no-strings-attached sex because of the way the patriarchy imbues our society. When you come out as a feminist (shock horror!) most people react in similar ways. Thanks to Straw Feminism, a feminist is instantly seen as a frigid anti-sex, man hating waste of a womb.See: Sex Positive Feminism.This is far from truth. Feminists LOVE sex, lesbian, straight, bi or pan, we all love to make love. It is fundamentally what we are struggling to express ourselves with. - The Mythical slu*t (Sex Positive Thelema). So as a feminist, despite my personal choice to not go romp on a first date, I think it’s completely fine if other women would like to do so. Finding a partner using these notions is pretty hard as a straight girl, though, you are always risking the “slu*t” label which is generally thrown around by women and men, when they feel they can’t control what a woman does. What other people do behind closed doors really doesn’t bother me. My advice to the ladies. I picked up a Spanish saying; "Mi coño disfruta". Translates to: "My puss* enjoys". Express yourself. Whoever still sticks around when you’re doing that might be a keeper. Lets move on. My personal typology from my experience… Naturally, trying to class all men under definitions is only going to make you end up boxing and wrapping them up. That’s not what we want to do, but here are some personal definitions I use to help myself sieve through the crap. First of all, I’ve dated a self-proclaiming feminist. You can always tell these guys apart from everyone else, they are so rare but they exist. I like to call this type of guy;“The Phoenix”. I shall elaborate, stay tuned. The guy I dated: He always had a very snooty disposition and he was described to me by outsiders as quite arrogant. And boy was he, when it came to his opinions. He wore glasses, he was tall, slim. When he spoke, I’d listen. Not because I was being subordinate, silly. I listened because when it came to conversations based on sociology, his words were golden. This guy would actually use the words “I am a feminist” and he’d defend himself when people would shake their heads at him. You know, the sort of people who think we live in a post-feminist society. He was totally with it, he was contemporary, understoodthird-wave feminism, you name it, he challenged me when he spoke, and he really knew what it means to be a feminist, from my point of view. A man like this one he wasn’t your conventional beefcake type of guy. He honestly felt that he and the world benefit from the social and political empowerment of women. He was proudly posting on Facebook about feminism all the time. Personal issues aside, dating a feminist always made me feel like I could really let my guard down. I had no stereotypes to battle him with in order to feel like an equal, despite how things ended up. You don’t know how refreshing it was to know that I had no conventional issues to fight against with a partner. But this isn’t the only phoenix I’ve known. I know a few of them. I have a very close friend who I feel is even more able a phoenix than the one I dated, merely because he isn’t militant, the idealism of gender-equality is in his nature, (though he does go around openly identifying as a feminist, and blogging about it!). The best blessing to a girl who’s eyes are wide open in the world we live in, is to have an ally. Soft in his mannerisms, steel with his words. This guy has one hell of a backbone and it’s all natural.You know that stereotype where every girl needs a gay best friend? Throw that in the bin. Every feminist needs a feminist friend to be her ally. I am so happy that I have one. I will love him eternally. To me, he is a gentle knight, minus the chivalry. Things to look out for to identify a Phoenix: Where I come from, the daily contraceptive pill is only available by prescription of a doctor. This obviously brings forth unwanted teen pregnancies as minors have to bring a guardian in order to be prescribed this form of birth control. The teen pregnancies are above average. In the UK, teens are provided birth control over the counter.The morning-after pill is also only available by prescription. Long story short, if I’m working crazy shifts and no time to see my local GP, I’m f*cked.There are also no abortion clinics. No family planning clinics at all. NOTES: The Phoenix tends to be a lone wolf and an intellectual. These guys usually own a Kindle or spend their days reading a whole lot on the internet. From my experience they tend to have very good punctuation and use Facebook to debate, rather than share internet memes consisting of scantily cladwomen, wife-drudges and cats. (See: The Lad Bible.) Then you’ve got the guys that are sitting on the fence about the whole struggle issue. I like to call this one The“HumptyDumpty”. Humpty Dumpties are the guys I spoke about at the beginning of this post. These guys are sitting on the wall right now, they’re either going to stay there, come down carefully or fall flat on their faces.The ones that don’t show a strong apparent opinion for, or against feminism nor do they have any strong opinions on traditional arbitrary values that should be superannuated. You are really playing with fate if you end up dating a Humpty Dumpty, because he could end up really being that guy who bestows that sand-box knowledge and really do see that the world has to change. Or, he could be the worst of all in my personal typologies. The nonchalant type. Worse than theLAD, they perpetuate the lie every day at breakfast. You might be battling a lot on your own. To decipher which team he’s drawing toward, analyse. Compare him to the Phoenix. Do the math. Make him elucidate. These will be the pointers that will tell you how much he will respect you (and your gay friends!) The numbers in the US and the UK are really speaking for themselves. As leading countries, this is a Western World issue and women are indoctrinated to not bother getting involved, or a lotare being held back by American republicans like Mitt Romney. I’m not going to turn this post into a personal political opinion. You just might not be into following politics and your love interest doesn’t have to be on the up’n’up about politics either but he does have to have an opinion about women in politics. If he immediately brings up how women shouldn’t be in parliament because Margaret Thatcher was a terrible leader (Duh, she was a Tory!) then he’s really, really out of thisround. In turn, you could ask him tocheck out the top countries with women in parliament: … and you can kindly ask him to shut his mouth. Hilary Clinton is doing fantasticallyand Afghanistan could really do with a revolution. The Humpty Dumpty might end up being a “TROLL”. This one doesn’t need anin-depthdescription. We all know a troll. The troll is the sort of guy you have in yourFacebook friends list, that trolls your posts about Feminism, about weight regulation, the classification of gender, whatever it is. This guy will try his best to get a negative reaction out of you. The troll may find feminism appealing but frustrating. The troll thinks its just easier if everyone just conforms to gender roles. The rise of a woman’s social position hinders him. He just wants to close his eyes and wants things to abide by prefabricated stereotypesto make things easier for him to deal with. He has no spirit. You don’t wanna bother. The“LAD”.This is the sort of guy you should actively try to avoid dating, as a feminist.“Why should I care about birth control? I wear a condom, I do my part.” - The words of this guy’s trade in the dating arena. This is the sort of guy who thinks that women are all hyper-emotional PMS ridden fairies that wear make-up and high heels so that they can get attention from men. You know, because they don’t choose to wear it for themselves (please see Lipstick Feminism). These are the sorts of guys who don’t see a problem with mainstream p*rn being absolutely androcentric, in fact, they don’t understand what it means when you point out these issues. The LAD is completely happy to pay for everything and holds doors open only for women. He will happily and self-centredly satisfy himself in a brothel and not once will he ask if the place is slave driven, or if the poor women working there have any protection or freedom. Thoughts like these will never cross the LAD’s mind. This guy has little patience for feminists, male or female. He will think the male feminist has down-graded as a man and is compromising his masculinity. He thinks that he is most likely just trying to get puss* (posing as empathetic to women is a tool of his own trade). He will think the female feminist is a baby-hating lesbian-abomination from another planet that needs some serious fixing, is unfortunate and really feels that behind all her babbling, she really just yearns to be the nuclear wife. The LAD is the type of guy who believes that men are from Mars and women are from Venus (Have you read that stupid book?). The LAD will be more than happy to date a Female Chauvinist Pig and battle it out in marriage with her for the rest of his life. The LAD does not understand hom*osexuality, sees it as a defect and definitely does not like to be in the presence of hom*osexual men, making the general assumption that all of them will be pining to climb into bed with him because he is a man. He sees hom*osexual men as sex perverts who have really devalued themselves. The LAD actively slu*t shames with no remorse and believes that he cannot respect a woman unless she ‘respects herself’.The LAD is a pack animal and is most likely seen trawling for the ladies in a group of friends arranged in a hierarchy. They tend to approach the same bird beginning with the alpha of the group with first dibs. You go out with your friends, (or worse, on your own) and the biggest douchebag in the room approaches you with a Robin-Thicke-esque ‘I know you want it’ attitude. Once you shoot him down, almost immediately you get another from the group of friends, with a gentler approach, making advances toward you as his friends watch. Almost seeming as if they have a bet on who can pull the prize. I don’t think there is a girl of any type who hasn’t fallen victim to this. Its not really a trope.The LAD is the minion of the patriarchy, he doesn’t understand that he is abiding and he thinks nothing is broken. And if it works, don’t be silly and try to tamper with it. Unfortunately for feminists, a large percentage of men do indeed tick all the boxes that classify my LAD typology. I think its safe to say that the LAD is a definite no-go, unless you enjoy waking up to a battle whereyou are struggling to be taken seriously.You will both most likely end up in a bloodbath.Though you might get a kick out of arguing with this guy, you’re not going to get anywhere. My honest advice: Do not bother. But there you have it, there really are male feminists out there, there are men that are somewhat in the middle of it all and there are ones that just eat what stereotypes and the media indoctrinate us with from day one. It really all depends on how seriously you take yourself and the women and men around you. Here are some wise words from Madonna: Anyway, this post comes to a close. Those are my tips on feminist dating. Remember to always approach a new guy with an open mind, but listen carefully for the tell-tale signs that he might not be for you. In future posts I will go into handling romantic relationships while being feminist. I’ll also be covering the advantages of the availability ofBirthcontrol.44% of men said they would stop dating a woman who never pays.
76% of men said they felt guilty about accepting women’s money.
As I gaze upon the other males in this here night clubThere is no other than the one in my thoughtsFor he is the fiery one that I have admired for so long In silence.Suitors, vamoose! No other of you bears this dark audaciousness…Like that of my mysterious prince.
I see him on Facebook, his words so strongSee them all cower under his mighty sword, Made out of the keyboards of godsAudacity to match mineThis afflicted knightOnly few times have I been graced with his presenceThe glaze in his eyes, as he spoke to me of the past,So open,Yet so aloof and obscure,I yearn to learn more,I trip, drag myself along, look and see there is a darkness in himsuddenly, I feel compassionHow could I tell him…
Those rippling pectorals are so alluring,yet of no account in comparison to his eyesTherefore to me, unimportant.That beauty is eternalWho needs such bursting brawn,With hands like those?His masculinity is in his essence,His virilitySuch vigorous blood he must contain.Oh he is like a scorpion.I have been stung without knowing!The poison slowly spreading in my veins.It conquers me;I yearn for his soul to cling to, another body to keep me warm. To rest and trust; to give my soulI need someone to pour myself into.
My scarred Romeo,Oh, I always knew that love would come find me someday But not with such impossibilitynot this scenario,For it is I that yearnsand he the man and I the womanIn our world,The f*cking patriarchy!It is not right that I approach him,For I could send forward a fright.
Must I suffer in silenceOr troll the f*ck out of him on Facebook … until he grasps?I will message him.No, I will not.It’s not lady-like. He will think I am desperate. Waiting for my chance to proclaim.I still wait.Will he ever know?I shall message him Eyes closedAnd hope for the best
“The modern feminist wants to be honest and straight-talking. Playing distant games indulges this bizarre patriarchal idea that women must be ethereal, mysterious creatures. Like fairies. But we’re not fairies, because fairies don’t have tit* or pubic hair or human-sized thighs.”
"Despite old guard claims that we live in a time where people are openly sexual to the point of societal collapse, we have a long way to go before sexual freedom can truly manifest. It is true that casual sex has become much more socially acceptable than it once was, but this seems to ring true for some groups more so than others. Notably, despite the fact that men aren’t sexually free either, women have a much greater struggle ahead of them. While endearing terms like “pimp” or phrases like “boys will be boys” are used to promote the idea that it is socially acceptable for males to sleep around, it can be difficult in some circlesto go a single day without hearing terms like “slu*t” thrown around in a condescending fashion.
This practice of slu*t shaming is the very antithesis of sexual freedom. As its name implies, it shames, marginalizes, and degrades women—and only women—for their natural human desire to seek sexual fulfillment. It creates a hostile environment in which (often enough) even mothers and fathers will use sexually degrading terms towards their own daughters. Comments of this nature from family, friends, classmates, and others lead to sexual repression by conditioning women to adopt the unnatural belief that their most powerful biological instinct, something at the very root of their being, is somehow wrong. The sex positive movement rejects this idea. “
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